The Joke Collection - 1
By continuing, you accept that many of the jokes will be potentially offensive, and that you will not be bothered by this fact. You also confirm that you are of an age which legally allows you to read such material in the country where you live.
I will not be interested in any complaints from people who, having read this warning, choose to continue regardless.
HE SAID ... SHE SAID
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said... Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too.
He said... Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said... Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.
She said... Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.
He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
My friend's father rushes over and cries "What for you kick it my dog, and call him Fuckoff?"
This unleashes a stream of invective from the attacked man, hurling insults (in Australian vernacular) covering the dog, its owner, both dog and owner's ancestors, country of origin, parental status and anything else he could think of. It is worth noting that a stream of Aussie vernacular insults is pretty much unintelligible - even to other Aussies - often even to the person hurling the insults.
My friend's father was totally and understandably perplexed, not having understood a bloody word of what has been said. He said innocently "What is this? I ask it you sensible, you tell it me non-sensible."
I never did believe that it was true, but it does make a great story.
"Watson,look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of little stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is a approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you're a dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car any more."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I, the car only has 50,000 miles on it."
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation." "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant at first until she pointed. He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my super deluxe Cadillac."
"Nope." she replied. "Just an old pink Volkswagen with 2 flat tyres.
The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend "Well, five bucks for the rat -- but 200 dollars for the story," he replied. "I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now do you want the story?" "No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own some day. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run any more?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best"
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly
One chalk mark $1It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Knowing where to put it $49,999
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.
Here is the first....'Johnny! get off that fucking Tractor!'"
"I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."
"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Tie?" whispers the man. "I need water."
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need *water*."
"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance.
The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted every receptive cow he could find, and several times a day. After four months, the bull again stopped breeding. Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher when to a new vet.
He tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?", asked the vet.
"No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds...."
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream, it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there."
"Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!"
Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you oral sex?" "No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!!"
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old?
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!"
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies "She choked."
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree and touched the tips of the branches with both hands. Opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before".
"Well", she said, "I have to tell the truth. I was hurrying back to mass when a man dragged me into his house and raped me twice."
"Twice!", cried the man, "What do you mean. You said you would tell the truth!"
"Well, if you're not too tired!"
She opens her purse, takes out the gun but, as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
"Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear; every single detail!"
"Good. Henceforth that's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in." .........
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
The second woman said "Oh dear! What did you do?" The first replied "I wrote him a goodbye note on the mirror with it.".
"Wow" replied the second woman. "You know, I found out my husband is having an affair too. I found a condom in his wallet." The first woman exclaimed
"Oh dear! What did you do?" The second woman replied,
"I poked holes in it with a pin".
The third woman fainted.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick.
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc....He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, rape, paedophilia, homosexuality, sex toys, etc., etc. The girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for ?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of "secs..."
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
As they walk along, Elvis spots a bar and, unable to resist the temptation, heads towards it. As he touches the door handle, *WHOOF* he's gone. River, shocked by this, utters, "Holy shit, man! Gabriel wasn't joking when he said we'd go straight to hell..."
"Never mind, nothing we can do, The King's gone now kid. Let's go" And, they continue walking along the road, when River spots a $5 bag of cocaine lying on the pavement. Just as he bends over to pick it up, *WHOOF*... Liberace disappears.
Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system contains many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would build a shithouse next to the snack bar?''
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chilli, so he can tear my butt up just one more time."
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
"Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front."
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, He'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."
The man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and continues walking down the street.
"Aren't you going to kiss me..??" asks the frog, "I'll turn into a ravishing woman and you can have anything you want!!"
The man replies, "Thanks, but at my age I'll get more mileage out of having a talking frog in my pocket!!".
"He is coming visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, "about as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Manager Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray."
The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. "I've been noticing these flies for the last week. "If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you". Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O'Malley got up and headed for the door. "All right," he shouted, "send them out----one at a time"!
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realised that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Linda." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live ... eat... sleep... and breathe golf."
"Well," said Linda, "since you're being honest, so will I. See, I'm a hooker."
"Oh, I see," he said pensively.
Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."
The bottle made its way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying, "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my index finger in the bottle but my middle finger into my mouth!"
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "yes."
The salesman said, "well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "no."
The salesman asked why.
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue."
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times"
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here."
Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, you take off all your crose."
"Now, get down and clawl reery fass to the odder side of room."
So, she did... Dr. Chang then said, "OK now clawl reery fass to me", so she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your arse."
The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Tell me your joke."
The guy said, "There are these two Pollacks and..."
The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realise that I am Polish?"
"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower."
She asked a young Indian who only had one feather on his head dress. His reply was, "Me only have one wife, me have only one feather."
She asked another young man, feeling that the first guy was only joking. This young Indian had four feathers on his head dress. He replied, "Ogh! Me have four feathers because me sleeps with four wives."
Still not convinced about the number of feathers actually indicated the number of wives involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which needless to say, amused the reporter.
She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers on your head dress?"
The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief! Me Fuck-em All, Big, Small, Fat, Tall, Me Fuck-em All!!"
Horrified, the reporter stated, "You ought to be hung!!"
The chief replied, "You damned right me hunk.....big like buffalo, long like snake!!"
The reporter cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."
The chief replied, "Horse-style, Dog Style, Wolf-style, Any Style, me fuck em ALL!"
Tears in her eyes, the reporter cried, "Oh dear!!"
The chief replied, "No deer, me no fuck deer, arsehole too high and fuckers run too fast, me no fuck deer!"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her, being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles."
About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess, noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?
"Ahh... Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Sometime later the stewardess noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..
"Are you sure you're all right sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"
"No, that's not the problem.... The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6.7. She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5 ........
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs", still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
"It's always run beautifully, but all of a sudden it's burning so much oil! And it gives off smelly bluish smoke. I'm ashamed to be seen driving such a polluter! Doctor, do you know anything about automobiles?"
"Well," I said, "I'm no mechanic, but if you'll tell me what make of car you drive I'll try to make a semi-educated guess."
Hilda said: "Why, I drive a Saturn."
I smiled, held up a finger, and declared: "Ah, then it's obvious ... you just need new rings!"
What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ! Go!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must of been a guy from Florida back there because I could here him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.
The Hindu says "My karma just ran over your dogma!"
After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.
(P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and ...
(S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on backorder
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!!
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
Q Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A A different bar.
Q Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A A speech impediment.
Q What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A They're hiring.
Q Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A He walks around saying, "Yo"
Q What do you call a Montana farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A A pimp.
Q Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "f*ck"?
A Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q What's the Cuban national anthem?
A "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly speaking politely, demonstrating good manners, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming. Then suddenly, there was quiet.
Frightened that he might have hurt the bird, David quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said,
"I deeply regret that I might have offended you with my language and behaviour and I humbly beg your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behaviour and bad language."
He was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic turnaround, when the parrot continued quietly,
"May I ask . . . what the chicken did?"
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Ahhh ... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again ...
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-floor building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 250kg. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 75kg. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Block 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 25kg.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains two broken legs.
I hope this answers your enquiry.